Perfect Cakes, Perfectly Beaten

At Mr. Cake Beater, we expertly beat all your cakes to perfection. Celebrate your special moments in ignorance, unaware you're daughter is likely about to be a single mother due to the creampie she doesn't know she has inside her.

Special offer this summer for graduation parties:

  • High School Graduations: every cake you allow me to beat of yours comes with a free creampie.

  • All other graduations: every cake will still be beaten. I just have different methods since beating the cakes of a child is much more difficult than beating cakes for someone in high school.

Contact Us

Our Cake Beating Services

person holding pink rose bouquet

There's No Cake I Won't Beat

Price is based on the time spent beating those cakes until completion

No matter the size, shape or color of your cake; it WILL be beaten. We aren't the other guys! There's no cake too early on in their process that I won't beat!

(Disclaimer: Mr. Cake Beater is not responsible for any unwanted Nut that may get cross-contaminated. For any cake considering getting beaten: ambush (Unwanted) creampies occur about 80% of the time. Mr. Beater is not responsible for any pregnancies/abortions.)

brown and white cake on white ceramic plate

Vegan Cake Beating & Add-Ons

Price is based on the time spent beating those cakes until completion

We cater to our Vegan friends who desire to have their cake beaten as well! You'd be surprised.. One of the best cakes I've ever beaten in my life came from a Vegan. Personally beating the CAKE of every last one of our Vegan patrons is something I take pride in!

CreamPie: free
Nut Glaze: free

happy birthday cake with candles

Beating Your (Birthday) Cakes

Varies based on how long the cake makes me last
CreamPie: free
Nut Glaze: free

Allow me to personally beat your daughter's cakes on their birthday! Allow me to make sure every cake in your family has been beaten to perfection so you can focus on celebrating.

Perfectly beaten cakes. Cakes beaten perfectly.

"I'll beat your cakes so good that you might walk funny"

Beaters of Cake

Mr. Cake Beater

Beater of Cakes

Chief Frosting Officer (CFO)

Cervix Killer

Mr. Cake Beater is our expert cake beater. As a founding member of the infamous Cream Team, Mr. Beater has 1,000's of cakes beaten by him. He's well-known for ensuring every cake he beats is done different, resulting in the fluffiest cakes. "You can't beat extra-large cakes the same way you beat the smaller cakes. (Beater)" With a passion for baking and a keen eye for detail, he guarantees satisfaction in every cake he beats.

Not Liable (Legally or Civilly/Monetarily) for ANY of The Potential (borderline Certain) Unwanted/Unknown Pregnancies, Divorce, Abortions, Infidelity

No. 2

Assistant To The Beater of Cakes

Beater of Unwanted Cakes

(Sample Bio) No. 2 brings one expertise to the table that might be the most important role in the company. Some cakes are downright unbeatable. Whether it's the smell, taste, fell of the cake that prevents Mr. Beater from doing his thing, thats where No. 2 comes in. He beats every last decrepit, dry, yeasty cake as our last line of defense. Rather than mastering the art of cake beating with precision and care, No. 2's commitment shifted to making sure that even the least deserving cake deserves to get beat at least once. He enjoys freshly baked homemade pies during the holiday's.

Reviews

"Mr. Cake Beater beat my cake to perfection. I want to know why my cake is always so creamy after he beats it! He said that's a secret recipe though :( (BEST creampie's ever btw... me and my 2 daughters got absoultely STUFFED after he gave us each a cream-pie!) Highly recommend their service!"

Shannon H.

"I used Mr. Cake Beater's service for my daughter's graduation party and it was a lifesaver. I can't remember how many cakes were there but I think my daughter mentioned having her cakes beat 3 times and it kind of hurting her to walk. That's how good the cakes were! My precious innocent angel wanted 3 cakes and ate so much it hurt to walk! The 50% discount was a great bonus! He claimed it was for a creampie that he gave to someone without them knowing? I never found out what he meant by that lol. "

Mark M.

"DON'T TRUST THIS MONSTER!! i left a previous review praising the service provided for my family that day. that is until my wife tells me she's pregnant. What joy i felt in that moment. My only innocent child was graduated and I found out I was going to be a father again. I was so blessed. About another month later my innocent daughter reveals to me that she is also pregnant. What was odd was that they both had the same delivery date. Turns out the babies have the same dad! So unless I'm the father of my daughters baby..Guess who isnt the father?! ME! Who is??? YOU!! This Monster Fucked My Wife AND Daughter AND Got Them Pregnant"

Mark M.

"I usually have him beat my cakes about once a month. Sometimes when our husbands ignore us, us wives just want to have our cakes beaten properly rather than what we're used to having at home, am i right ladies?!?! Only leaving 4 because whenever hes beats my cake he's done in like 5 min but I have friends who says he beats there's for like 40 min? Maybe ill have to try someone else. PS: Secret menu item- if you order the creampie... tell him to make it a throatpie. i did 1 of each lol just didnt expect to be given the creampie to be given so fast!"

Jess W.

"mf ruined my life. lost my husband, home, and respect of my family becausehim. he GROSS and didnt wear a rubber + he nutted in me? i dont even count it as cheating tho cuz my man was outside the door the hole time so his dick never even went halfway in me anyway. the mf nutted n me now i pregnant but thought it could work since me n my mans could finally be a family. Tell me why i told my man we was gonna be mommy n daddy the mf told me he infertile. WOMP i got got. dick game: +5 stars. everything else: -6 stars. if u bitch wit a tight coochie good luck cuz u bouta get stretched out n he aint gon' warn u when he nut in u "

Kenya D.
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Frequently Asked Questions

I beat most of my cakes raw, allowing maximum hydration and moisture. The Creampie batter is made-to-order and can sometimes produce prematurely, without notice, resulting in unwanted creampies being mixed in throughout each cake beating.

You can book our service through our website by contacting us directly or filling out the booking form with your cake's details and cake requirements.

You provide your families' cakes and some privacy, and Mr. Cake Beater will passionately beat their cakes til they are squirting with flavor.

Let's Beat Together!