Why finding your purpose isn't enough

The advice is everywhere. Find your purpose. Live with intention. Discover your why.

It sounds compelling. But for many people — particularly those in the middle of difficulty, transition, or uncertainty — the instruction to "find your purpose" can feel not just unhelpful, but actively demoralising. What do you do if you don't know what it is? What if you thought you did, and then life changed?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy — known as ACT — offers a different frame. One that is more honest about the messiness of being human, and more useful when life doesn't cooperate with your plans.

What is ACT?

ACT (pronounced as a word, not initials) is a form of psychotherapy developed by Steven Hayes in the 1980s. It has strong evidence for anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and more. Rather than trying to change the content of your thoughts, ACT changes your relationship with them. Rather than chasing specific outcomes, it focuses on living in accordance with what genuinely matters to you — even when, especially when, things are difficult.

The problem with "purpose"

The cultural narrative around purpose treats it as something fixed and discoverable — a destination you arrive at once you've done enough journaling. This creates two problems.

First, it locates wellbeing in the future. "I'll feel better when I find my purpose." But wellbeing built on a future condition is inherently unstable. Life interrupts conditions.

Second, it conflates purpose with passion — something that feels exciting. For many people in difficult periods, nothing feels particularly exciting. The expectation that purpose should feel transcendent makes ordinary, consistent, meaningful action feel like failure. ACT sidesteps both by focusing not on purpose, but on values.

Values, not goals

In ACT, values are not goals. Goals are things you achieve and move on from. Values are directions — qualities of being and doing that inform every action, in every circumstance, regardless of whether things are going well.

"Being a present parent" is a value. It cannot be achieved and crossed off. It can only be lived — more or less — in each interaction. Even on the worst day, it can still orient you.

You cannot always achieve your goals when life is hard. But you can almost always take a small action in the direction of what matters. And that action — however small — is not nothing. It is the practice of a meaningful life, not the achievement of one.

Psychological flexibility

The central concept in ACT is psychological flexibility: the ability to be present, open to your experience (including the difficult parts), and to move toward what matters — even in the presence of pain, uncertainty, or unwanted thoughts.

The opposite is psychological rigidity: stuck in avoidance, rumination, or the attempt to control internal experiences that can't be controlled. ACT proposes that much of human suffering comes not from the difficult things themselves, but from our struggle against them — the anxiety about the anxiety, the shame about the shame.

This is not a call to passivity. It is a call to stop fighting your internal experience as a precondition for living, and to act in alignment with your values regardless of how you currently feel.

What this looks like in practice

A person using ACT principles might ask, in a difficult week: "Given how I'm feeling right now — which I cannot fully control — what is one thing I can do today that reflects what I care about?"

Not "how do I stop feeling anxious" but "how do I act, from here, in a way that is mine?" It is a subtle shift. But over time, it is the difference between waiting to feel ready and moving forward in the presence of not-readiness.

When to seek support

ACT can be explored independently through books and reflection. But working with a trained therapist allows it to be applied to your specific situation, with support through the hardest parts.

If you've been stuck in avoidance, struggling with anxiety or low mood, or feeling like you're waiting for life to start — it might be worth speaking to someone. That's what we're here for.